Perceived Threat...How My Son Opened My Heart

2/26/17

The body's response to a perceived threat is fight or flight.

Since birth, we've worked hard with Baker to help him differentiate between perceived and real threat and to create peace in his body and mind so he can more clearly identify each. Baker's go-to explanation is that he doesn't "trust" that...food, toy, bike, trail, slide, swing, cafeteria, assembly, candy, ride, store, etc...

But sometimes things still go haywire. Sometimes his body still perceived a threat. It fights by vomiting or shutting down. It takes flight by running away, hiding, or refusing to move due to paralyzing fear. Perhaps if he was wired more aggressively we'd see him hit, kick, scream, or lash out.

The thing is, whatever the stimuli, as benign to you or me as it may seem...to Baker, it's a threat.

Getting mad at him for it will never change the behavior. If I perceive a tarantula crawling across my neck, I'm going to react. And if you get mad at me for it, I'm not going to trust you anymore.

Trying to convince him that his perception is inaccurate while he is in the throws of his chaos, isn't going to redirect his thinking.  Instead, we have to direct his attention elsewhere and help him to find peace before he can move forward.  His perception, after all, is his reality, but that doesn't make it real.  

This is not to say that displays of behaviors that do not correlate with our family values are accepted or glossed over. Quite the contrary. Baker knows that reactions that cause major disruptions or emotional or physical harm to others will never be accepted in our home. Every day he redirects, fights, or flies while still maintaining empathy and love for others. I believe this goes much deeper than our parenting and speaks to a deep spiritual peace that he is able to hold...even when his neurons are all tangled up in anxiety and overload.

Jesus perceived the world differently. So does my boy.

In the same light...I've recently found myself swimming upstream trying to figure out the "other side" of the political spectrum. Why do they do this? What do they think that's ok? Why do they act like that?

I've tried to convince them that they are wrong.

I've even tried to deflect their negativity with my own.

One side lashes out at the other because they did this. The other lashes out because that side is wrong. One side cries foul, the other throws back something equally disgusting.

But what I woke up thinking this morning was that if we all approached others with love the way we do our own children...we'd be in a lot better place.

We are currently helping Baker develop the tools to navigate perception vs. reality. Not ignoring his perceptions. Not scolding him for them. And not treating his feelings as irrational. After all, regardless of WHY he believes as he does...it's real to him and his brain/body will behave accordingly. And it's our reactions to our beliefs that will either strengthen or destroy our spiritual bond with humanity.

Now...It's not my job to parent other people. Well...as an educator, sometimes it is...but that's another post for another time.

But, what if, instead of trying to convince others that their perception is wrong while they are wrapped up in it...what if I choose to love them anyway. And love them in a way that creates a bond. And love them in a way that creates trust. So that when they perceive the sky to be falling and turn to me and see my peace...whether it is falling or not...it creates peace within them.

So that even when they are fearful, they don't cut people out. So that when they are anxious they don't lash out. So that when they are so convinced of their perception they don't express arrogance, pride, or hate...but instead walk in Love.

Yeah...it's a pretty tall order. But God sent his Son to teach us how to do it. Funny thing...I think God sent me my son to teach me the same.

Demanding Happy

You know him. That guy who has everything. Great job. Fast car. Hot wife. Kids give him very little grief. And yet...he's not content. Why can't he just be happy with what he's got? I mean...it's all at his fingertips. And yet, he's miserable...always seeking more.

But maybe...hopefully...you are lucky enough to know someone who ...regardless of his car engine, his 9-5, his wife's fitness and (let's face it) makeup routine, and his kids' grades and triumphs on the field/track/court...struggles. Someone who hurts. Someone who knows sadness. Yet...even in the midst of sorrow...suffering...uncertainty...angst...he is happy. I mean really happy. Content. Not complacent. That's entirely different. But accepting of where God has placed him and faithfully willing to actively take part as the story unfolds. He can honestly sit in the light and take it in...without judgement...without guilt...without self indulgence. He can just be present in the moment.

I hope you know this person.

I hope so, because if you do, maybe you can join me in at least considering the idea that maybe we can choose happy.

Maybe...

Before I continue, let me first point out that this is not to discount the very real conditions of depression and anxiety which overwhelm and drag their victims down terribly dark paths. These conditions are legitimate and those who suffer benefit extensively from psychiatric attention.

Accepting and excepting the exceptions...

Maybe happy can be the "more" we seek. Maybe it can be the more we DEMAND.

I find that the more happy I demand, the more I encounter. Perhaps it is in my definition of happy. Because to me, happy is not a future thing to attain, it's a now thing to experience. It isn't, "I'll be happy when..." Because let's face it, I'm not promised whatever moment I've committed to whatever comes after the ellipses. Oh and let's not ignore the genius simplicity of the argument that tomorrow never comes...even my predictive text knew that phrase.

Demanding more happy has nothing to do with going into your boss's office and negotiating a raise. It has nothing to do with what you drive. Nothing to do with what your spouse looks like or how well mannered your kids are. ...although all of those things can be legitimately bright points in your day.

By demand...I really mean seek...intentionally. Demanding more happy actually requires you to demand more of yourself. To dig deeper. To appreciate more. To look at your gifts through the eyes of your Creator and see them as nothing less than purely amazing and worthy of celebration.

Have you ever bought your child a candy bar? You KNEW he'd be so happy. You came home and...

You: "Guess what I got you!"

Kid: (with absolute enthusiasm). Legos!

You: well, no but...

Kid: (excited) A dinosaur?!

You: well, no but...

Kid: (vibrating in place) then what?!?!

You: (with absolute enthusiasm) This candy bar!

Kid: (clearly underwhelmed) oh...yeah...cool...thanks mom

Have you been there? It's deflating at best, right?

And yet...do we not do that to the creator of the universe each and every time we fail to recognize His blessings? Has He gifted you with this day? With your paycheck? With the fact that your car started this morning...the clean water you just drank...the near miss on the freeway when you called that other driver an idiot (among other things)...what about the lady with a full cart who let you go ahead in the check out line because your kid was screaming (...for a candy bar...), or the fact that your boss completely overlooked the fact that your report was a day late...?

Do we not recognize these as blessings.? Or are blessings only the big things? And if we do identify these as blessings, are they not worth celebrating? Are we underwhelmed?

The truth is, the more happy you discover, the more you will demand, and the more you demand the more happy you discover.

One of my favorite 90s bands was Sister Hazel...laugh it up...but once you recover, read the lyrics here, as I close. Because I think they were on to something (and perhaps ON something but that's beside the point...). Enjoy...

"If you want to be somebody else,

If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself

If you want to be somebody else

Change your mind...

Hey hey-

Have you ever danced in the rain

Or thanked the sun

Just for shining- just for shining

Over the sea?

Oh no- take it all in

The world's a show

And yeah, you look much better,

Look much better when you glow."

What I'll Say About Politics...

The greatest of these is love. 

If you claim your spiritual beliefs are based in love, be careful today. If you claim your politics are rooted in love, be careful today.

Be careful that your actions actually express what you name and claim as your foundational truth.

You've not seen me offer ANY political opinions on Facebook. And many of you haven't even heard them in person. I have opinions and beliefs. Just ask my husband. But I often keep them to myself and exercise them at the polls, write letters, or participate in activities that correspond with those beliefs.
One of the main reason I do this is because I would rather keep those ideas private than to express them in a public forum and have anyone I love feel that my words are hateful toward him/her. Here is what I WILL say.

You know those popular verse...Love is patient, love is kind...

Before that list of what love is, Paul wrote to the Church of Corinth about what DIFFERENCE love makes:

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 13 1-3, New International Version)  

Y'all...this bickering...the gloating...the "in yo face" and the "I'm ashamed...". Be careful that your words don't cause another to feel unloved.

At the end of every day, my mother always asked me, did someone see Christ in you today? Not, did anyone notice your politics? Your stand on immigration, government assistance, education, or abortion.

But did anyone see CHRIST?
But who or what is Christ?
He is Love!
And what is love?

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13 4-13, New International Version)  

Demanding Happy

You know him. That guy who has everything.  Great job. Fast car. Hot wife. Kids give him very little grief. And yet...he's not content. Why can't he just be happy with what he's got?  I mean...it's all at his fingertips. And yet, he's miserable...always seeking more. 

But maybe...hopefully...you are lucky enough to know someone who ...regardless of his car engine, his 9-5, his wife's fitness and (let's face it) makeup routine, and his kids' grades and triumphs on the field/track/court...struggles. Someone who hurts. Someone who knows sadness. Yet...even in the midst of sorrow...suffering...uncertainty...angst...he is happy. I mean really happy. Content. Not complacent. That's entirely different. But accepting of where God has placed him and faithfully willing to actively take part as the story unfolds.  He can honestly sit in the light and take it in...without judgement...without guilt...without self indulgence. He can just be present in the moment. 

I hope you know this person. 

I hope so, because if you do, maybe you can join me in at least considering the idea that maybe we can choose happy. 

Maybe...

Before I continue, let me first point out that this is not to discount the very real conditions of depression and anxiety which overwhelm and drag their victims down terribly dark paths. These conditions are legitimate and those who suffer benefit extensively from psychiatric attention. 

Accepting and excepting the exceptions...

Maybe happy can be the "more" we seek. Maybe it can be the more we DEMAND. 

I find that the more happy I demand, the more I encounter.  Perhaps it is in my definition of happy. Because to me, happy is not a future thing to attain, it's a now thing to experience. It isn't, "I'll be happy when..." Because let's face it, I'm not promised whatever moment I've committed to whatever comes after the ellipses.  Oh and let's not ignore the genius simplicity of the argument that tomorrow never comes...even my predictive text knew that phrase. 

Demanding more happy has nothing to do with going into your boss's office and negotiating a raise.  It has nothing to do with what you drive. Nothing to do with what your spouse looks like or how well mannered your kids are. ...although all of those things can be legitimately bright points in your day. 

By demand...I really mean seek...intentionally. Demanding more happy actually requires you to demand more of yourself. To dig deeper. To appreciate more. To look at your gifts through the eyes of your Creator and see them as nothing less than purely amazing and worthy of celebration. 

Have you ever bought your child a candy bar?  You KNEW he'd be so happy. You came home and...

You:  "Guess what I got you!"

Kid:  (with absolute enthusiasm). Legos!

You: well, no but...

Kid:  (excited) A dinosaur?!

You:  well, no but...

Kid: (vibrating in place) then what?!?! 

You: (with absolute enthusiasm) This candy bar!

Kid: (clearly underwhelmed) oh...yeah...cool...thanks mom

Have you been there?  It's deflating at best, right?

And yet...do we not do that to the creator of the universe each and every time we fail to recognize His blessings?  Has He gifted you with this day?  With your paycheck? With the fact that your car started this morning...the clean water you just drank...the near miss on the freeway when you called that other driver an idiot (among other things)...what about the lady with a full cart who let you go ahead in the check out line because your kid was screaming (...for a candy bar...), or the fact that your boss completely overlooked the fact that your report was a day late...?

Do we not recognize these as blessings.? Or are blessings only the big things?  And if we do identify these as blessings, are they not worth celebrating?  Are we underwhelmed?

The truth is, the more happy you discover, the more you will demand, and the more you demand the more happy you discover.  

One of my favorite 90s bands was Sister Hazel...laugh it up...but once you recover, read the lyrics here, as I close.  Because I think they were on to something (and perhaps ON something but that's beside the point...). Enjoy...

"If you want to be somebody else,

If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself

If you want to be somebody else

Change your mind...

Hey hey-

Have you ever danced in the rain

Or thanked the sun

Just for shining- just for shining

Over the sea?

Oh no- take it all in

The world's a show

And yeah, you look much better,

Look much better when you glow."

Stomach Fluid...a Reminder of His Perfect Timing

Stomach Fluid...a Reminder of His Perfect Timing 

That's probably a weird title, but I bet nobody else has used it. You probably won't open your daily devotional today and see it. It won't likely be the title of the sermon when you go to the Christmas Eve Service, tonight. But it's a perfect title...a. Because it aptly describes what I plan to share, b. Because you'll remember it, and c. Because you won't continue reading this if you have a strong gag reflex, are eating, or plan to eat soon. 

You might think this is going to be the story of Baker's stomach bug that had the entire basement of my in-law's house smelling like a 7/11 bathroom. He's ok now and obsessively looping on the idea of getting to open one gift tonight.  But that's not what this story is about. 

Before I begin, I'd like to point out that this post is addressed to a very specific audience. Of course, anyone is welcome to read it, and I hope many do, but this post is intended for all who have joined Luci's List, a prayer group I started when I sat with my baby girl in a pediatric ICU while she recovered from surgery. I simultaneously celebrated the fact that I would get to take her home and anguished in another fact that had become all too apparent...so many other moms would not be so lucky.  This is for each of you who have joined, surrounded my girl in prayer, and opened your hearts and prayer lives to the many others who have requested prayer on Luci's list. 

I got up this Christmas Eve morning prepared for my daily morning and evening routine with Lucibelle, a routine that I've done twice daily for approximately the past 22 weeks. 

I had the wash cloth and warm soapy water ready to clean away accumulation of stomach fluid that leaks from the hole in her belly surrounding her g-button. I can't complain...I think the button saved her life, but ever since she had it placed when she was 6 weeks old she has had granulation tissue at the stoma site which has prevented a good "seal" from forming...hence the leak.  And the smell...because, well, it's stomach fluid. And the laundry. And the ruined clothes from countless silver nitrate treatments or from the bleeding skin tissue.  Some docs said to keep the site covered and the tissue would heal. It didn't. Some said keep it uncovered and it would heal. It didn't. Her GI finally shot straight with me and said that in all honesty, if all they had done wasn't working, nothing probably would and that we would probably just have to deal with the tissue until she has the button removed in the spring. ...super 😕

Last night I posted on Luci's list because of Lucibelle's results from the sleep study.  From the time the doctor called with the results until I finally fell asleep last night, it was all I could think about, really. 

And, of course, you all surrounded her with prayers. I know you did, because this morning God reminded me that He's got this. 

Lucibelle's unsnapped onesie revealed a clean, dry, round little baby belly. The kind I vaguely remember from when she was about 5 weeks old, only now, there's a port. 

I looked closer. No goo. No gunk. No dried fluid. None. Anywhere. 

How could this be?  I gently wiggled her button around to get a look at the site where there is always a bright red, moist, lump of skin sitting just beneath the port. 

But today, there was no red. No moisture. No lump. Just dry, pale pink skin resting at the stoma. The granulation tissue was completely gone. 

I know I never asked for prayers for this, specifically.  It's such small potatoes in the grand scheme of things...just more of a hassle than anything. And I mean...really...so many of you have your own health concerns or health concerns for loved ones that FAR surpass anything that we have ever ever faced with Lucibelle. 

But I also know y'all were praying for Lucibelle and that because of those prayers, through that faith, God chose this morning...the day we celebrate the the imminent birth of His Son...to send a little reminder that he's got this.  He listens. He hears. And His timing is always perfect. 

And that, my friends, is how stomach fluid, at least for me, will forever be a reminder of His promises, the power of prayer, and the gratitude I have toward all of you who have lifted my daughter to Him. 

The Beginning of Luci's List

This was a Facebook post from back in July after Lucibelle's surgery. 

I'm sitting here listening to the pump that's feeding my baby and the buzzes and beeps of the monitors in our room and the rooms surrounding, thinking of all of the amazing people in our lives and people we've never even met who have taken time out of their days to pray for us, pray with us, sent gift cards, posted sweet messages on Facebook, sent encouragement via text, even came to sit with us and provide support/encouragement and much needed distraction during the surgery itself bc they've been there, done that.  You all have touched my heart to the core. You don't know what it's like until you watch your own baby struggle, and then I think it changes you. 

Lucibelle has no idea yet, but it's going to be so neat to share with her how loved she has been by so many at such an early age. I'm going to take screen shots of all of your love and prayers and write down your names. I've never been good at keeping a baby book...in fact I don't think I even have one for her #mommyfail .  But now I'll have to get one, because the memory that y'all have created for her is worthy of revisiting daily. 

Something else I don't have and have never created or kept...a for real, actual prayer list. Sure, I pause and pray when I see your requests on Facebook. I also tell my husband and parents to be sure to pray...but I've never kept a list. 

But like I said, experiences like this...like how we'd watch our baby turn purple and search for air with her mouth, arms flailing, eyes big as saucers and fixed on us for reassurance...like how we had to tell her "you're okay" as we shoved a tube up her nose (I would be so mad if someone told me I was okay while they were doing that to me) and down her throat...like how we saw her get poked and prodded with no understanding of what was happening...like how I had to hand my baby to a total stranger wearing scrubs and walk away as they took her to cut and staple and sew...like how I realized that we could have it so much worse as we sat listening to the hysterical wails of a young mom and dad as their baby girl took her last breath in PICU...like how I still cannot wrap my head around the kindness of other parents whose babies have endured far more than my Lucibelle, and yet they have come to us to show us love and peace and gentleness and not dismissed any of our fears even though their children have far greater battles to fight... 

These experiences change you. 

So I want to make a prayer list. A real one. And I want to call it Luci's List. My baby girl will known the power of prayer and what it means to pay it forward. She will probably be hard headed and outspoken (idk why I think that 😜), but you have started her out with an abundance of love and infused her with a spirit of peace and giving, already. 

So will you please help me start my list...Luci's List?  Please pm me or text me what your prayer needs are so that we can write these down and give them to God.

A few years from now when my baby looks at her scars from the surgical incision and from where the g-tube once was and she asks where they came from, we will tell her that these are her reminders of the many many beautiful and loving people who loved her before she knew them.

Sometimes, Jesus Doesn't Pronounce His "L"s

In case we ever forget…In case we get wrapped up in the commercialization of the holiday.  In case we get consumed by the financial strain we all feel this time of year.  In case we ever feel that we may collapse under the pressures work and family and friends and society in general… In case we feel completely helpless and anxious in the light of the terrorism that our world is suffering…

I’ve got a quick little story for you:

The other day, we were driving home, both kids in the back seat, Dave on the phone, Baker chattering away about whatever skipped the filter (which is, apparently, everything at this age) and Lucibelle gnawing at her pacifier. 

Now, for those of you who have little bitty babies who have not yet reached preschool – school age yet, you might not take heed when you hear other parents warn, “Kids heareverything.”  I didn’t.  

But kids do hear everything.  Everything.  Every.  Thing.  Even when you think they’re not listening.  Even when you think they cannot here you.  Even when you think they are in the other room…watching TV…wearing noise canceling headphones…in someone else’s home…in another state.  Somehow, some way, they hear everything (except if the phrase includes the words clean, brush, homework, or wash…then all bets are off).

Dave’s phone conversation ended, and Baker took a breath from his own, personal, conversation, to pipe up and ask, “Daddy, who do we need to pray for?”

“What are you talking about?” Dave asked.

“You said, on the phone, ‘Well, we will definitely be praying for you all.’ So who do we need to pray for?”

See, I told you they hear everything.  

Dave explained that the person he was talking to has a coworker who is quite “cranky and not very nice” to the other employees.  And that he said that we would pray for the rest of the employees for having to deal with the difficult coworker.

Baker grew quiet, but only for a couple of seconds…if he’s quiet for any longer than that something is wrong or he is asleep… And then he threw in his two cents.

“I think it sounds like we need to pray for the cranky one.”  

Dave and I looked at one another.  We both felt that searing conviction that can only make you pause to say, “Whoah.”  And sometimes, “Ouch.”

Baker continued, “If we pray for them not to be so cranky, then maybe everybody can be happy.”

God sent his son in the form of a newborn baby boy to ultimately grow into a young man and pay the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, so that we could, in turn, be a light for others.  In that moment, I was certain that Jesus, himself, was using my boy as a mouthpiece.  What appeared to be common sense to my 5 year old is far from common practice in human nature.  The Word is clear that not only are we to have faith…meekness and humility…of a child, we are also called to pray for those who we would love to pray for the least, our enemies.  Essentially, we are called to swim upstream, which is, as my son would say, “reawy, reawy hard!”  Interestingly enough, the same kid who cannot yet pronounce his “L”s is the one who’s voice I heard the night God humbled my husband and me and reminded us of our charge as His children.